How To Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

Struggling to move forward? Let’s explore practical strategies to stop obsessing over your ex, break the emotional cycle, heal your heart, and reclaim control of your thoughts.

Whether your relationship lasted years, months, or just a few dates, moving on can be incredibly challenging. Time has passed—you’ve likely dated other people, focused on work, traveled, or practiced self-care. You tell yourself you’re doing fine, but if you’re completely honest, something still lingers.

Perhaps it was a painful breakup that shattered your trust. Maybe you lost yourself in the relationship, constantly bending to keep it alive. Or you were blindsided when it ended, left to rebuild your self-worth from the ground up. It could have been an unhealthy dynamic that drained you, yet part of you still holds on.

Even now, you might notice the lingering effects:

• Difficulty fully trusting or opening your heart again
• Repeatedly attracting emotionally unavailable partners
• Holding yourself back, fearing you’ll repeat past patterns
• Deep down, wondering if true love will ever truly choose you

In my own journey, ending a long-term relationship took years, even though I knew it was no longer healthy. To be completely transparent, I still experience triggering moments. I’ve caught myself wondering what he’s doing, checking if mutual friends posted anything that might offer clues. Sound familiar?

Let’s be real—you’ve probably done something similar. Scrolling through their social media, driving past their neighborhood, searching for some form of reassurance that you made the right choice. Instead of finding closure, what do you actually get? An emotional rollercoaster of painful feelings, followed by the exhausting process of trying to regulate your emotions back to normal.

Why Do We Obsess Over Ex-Partners?

Before we learn how to stop obsessing over your ex, let’s understand the underlying reasons. When we experience a breakup, our brains undergo something remarkably similar to withdrawal from addiction. fMRI studies have shown that romantic love activates the same dopamine pathways as substances like cocaine or nicotine. Your ex was literally your drug.

So when the relationship ends, your brain doesn’t just emotionally miss them—it chemically craves them. And what do we do when we’re craving something? We seek a hit—hence the social media checking, the “accidental” drive-bys, or the late-night urge to text them.

Here’s the challenging part: every time you check their Instagram or wonder what they’re doing, you trigger dopamine anticipation—your brain expects a reward. But instead of satisfaction, you often get a stress response—a flood of cortisol when you see something that hurts, confuses, or triggers you.

Suddenly, you’re back on the breakup rollercoaster:

1. Curiosity emerges. Let me just check quickly…
2. Anticipation builds. What if they miss me?
3. You see something upsetting. (They look perfectly fine without me?!)
4. Cortisol floods your system, triggering anxiety, sadness, or self-doubt.
5. You must now regulate your emotions all over again.

Your brain remembers this cycle, making you more likely to repeat it. It’s a genuine feedback loop that makes it incredibly easy to fall back into obsessing over your ex.

Why Do We Seek Out Pain?

For many people—myself included—there’s a deep, unconscious belief that I’m not enough or I’ll never find love again. Because of this, our subconscious minds actually seek pain to validate what we already believe to be true.

So when you see your ex (or even someone you casually dated) moving on, it reinforces that narrative. It creates a twisted sense of certainty—because even though it hurts, at least it’s familiar.

Honestly, when I realized I was doing this, I thought, This is pretty messed up. But it also made complete sense.

On another level, revisiting the pain forces us to reprocess the breakup—as if we’re trying to double-check that we really made the right decision. It’s a survival instinct. Your brain wants to make sense of the loss, avoid repeating mistakes, and reassure you that you’ll be okay.

Because fully letting go? That means stepping into the unknown. And that can feel even scarier than holding on to the pain.

Breaking the Cycle of Ex-Obsession

If you’re stuck in this loop of obsessing over your ex, here are several tools I’ve used (and that my clients now swear by) to finally break free:

1. Interrupt the Habit – The next time you reach for your phone to check their profile, pause. Ask yourself: What am I actually looking for right now?
2. Rewire Your Reward System – Instead of scrolling, replace the habit with something that provides an instant dopamine boost (exercise, favorite music, calling a supportive friend).
3. Implement No Contact (Seriously!) – Every interaction with their social media is like reopening a healing wound. If possible, mute, block, or delete for your own peace of mind.
4. Love Recoding: Provide Your Brain Closure – Since the brain craves a “complete story,” consider a process called Love Recoding. It’s designed to help you release past relationship wounds—whether from heartbreak, betrayal, or unhealthy patterns—so they no longer block you from love.

Love Recoding uses neuroscience-backed techniques and deep energetic work to rewrite your love story on mental, emotional, physical, and energetic levels—enabling you to finally stop looking backward and start moving forward.

This process has become one of the key tools I’ve used to facilitate my own healing and release.

Ultimately, this isn’t just about willpower or even time—it’s about understanding that your brain is wired to seek that emotional hit. But just like any addiction, the less you feed it, the weaker the craving becomes.

By doing the inner work, you liberate yourself from the addiction, the triggers, and the endless spiral of questioning your decisions.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in your love life or thought you were over someone—only to find yourself spiraling again—you’re not alone. And you don’t have to remain in this cycle.

This is precisely why I offer Love Recoding—an intensive process designed to help you release past relationship wounds, rewire your brain’s attachment patterns, and finally break free from the emotional loops that keep you trapped.

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Ending a Relationship: What No One Tells You About Letting Go with Love How to Attract Real Love Without Playing Games or Losing Yourself Feminine Energy in Dating: How to Attract and Keep the Right Partner Conflict in Dating. Is it Healthy? Being Vulnerable in Love Improve your Communication with Men How to Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men Before You Fall Too Deep What Men Want From Women